Lessonpills

1

Think about these questions before watching. Share your ideas with a partner.

Think about the last time you had a significant disagreement with someone. What was the situation, and how did it make you feel, both during and after the conversation?
Can a disagreement ever be a positive experience? If so, what makes an argument productive rather than destructive?
Why do you think some topics, like politics or personal values, are often so much more difficult to discuss calmly than others?

2

Watch the video carefully. Pay attention to the main ideas and key details.

Video script100 segments · click a timestamp to jump

- I personally feel uncomfortable around conflict.

- Now, we're here today to find out how to argue.

- But conflict is useful.

The question is, how do you deal with conflict

the most effectively?

Here we go.

I am author of Negotiating the Nonnegotiable:

How to Resolve Your Most Emotionally-Charged Conflicts.

Have you found yourself in an argument

that felt so frustrating,

so at a core aggravating?

- That's the silliest opinion I've ever heard.

- It felt just nonnegotiable?

Well, congratulations, you're a human being.

We all experience conflict in our lives,

and seeing what's going on in our world today,

my hunch is you were probably having

at least one of these conflicts about politics.

Our country has fallen into what I believe is a tribal trap.

Anything that that other side says,

I shall not believe, I shall not give any credibility to,

and I'm gonna do everything I can to prove I'm right,

you're wrong, and to stifle you down

to raise me up.

The problem is not with the what,

what are we arguing about,

the problem is with the how.

- How should we argue?

- How can we be more effective?

And what I've found is that there are three big barriers

that we can actually overcome

to have more effective conversations.

The big things, one, identity, two, appreciation,

and three, affiliation.

Let's start with identity.

- Now, first of all, this is a hot issue.

- Why do we get so emotional in these conflict situations?

It often goes back to something deeper: identity.

What are the core values, the core beliefs

that are feeling threatened inside of you

as you're having that conversation with the other side?

The moment your identity gets hooked in these conflicts,

all of a sudden your emotions become

Boy, this is a wholly different conflict now.

It's now your pride.

Your sense of self is on the line.

You need to know who you are and what you stand for.

What are the values and beliefs

that are driving me to fight for this stance on this issue?

The more you understand who you are,

the more you can try to get your purpose met

and stay balanced, even when the other threatens

those core values and beliefs.

Each side wants to feel appreciated,

and yet the last thing they wanna do

is to appreciate the other side.

That's a problem.

- Listen and understand.

- When you're in the midst of the conflict, don't talk.

Take the first 10 minutes.

Consciously listen to the other side.

What's the value behind their perspective?

What's the logic, the rationale?

Why do they hold this perspective on

immigration or healthcare?

Once you truly understand and see

the value in their perspective,

let them know I hear where you're coming from,

and you know what?

That makes sense.

There is nothing more in the world that we like

than to feel appreciated.

Recognize your power to appreciate them.

Third, affiliation.

What's the emotional connection like

between you and the other side?

We typically approach these conflict situations

as me versus you.

My opinion on healthcare versus yours,

my party's perspectives on immigration versus yours.

That's just gonna leave the two of you

like rams butting heads.

- Find common ground.

- Turn that other person from an adversary into a partner,

so it's no longer me versus you,

but the two of us facing the same shared problem.

Ask the other person, "Look, what's your advice

"on how we can get as many of our interests met

"at the same time?"

Change the nature of your conversation.

Now, you put these three things into practice,

it can transform your relationships.

Imagine what would happen if we started a revolution,

but a positive revolution of greater understanding,

greater appreciation, greater affiliation,

how we could transform politics,

how we could transform our country

and ultimately our world.

I believe it's possible, but it starts

with each one of us.

3

Answer these questions in your own words. Support your answers with evidence from the video.

01According to the speaker, what is the 'tribal trap' that makes many arguments so unproductive?

Sample answerIt's the idea that people see themselves as being on a team or 'tribe'. They automatically refuse to believe or give any credit to what the other side says. The main goal becomes proving the other side is wrong, rather than having a real conversation.

02Why does the speaker believe it's important to understand your own identity before a difficult conversation?

Sample answerBecause our identity, which includes our core values and beliefs, is often what makes us so emotional in an argument. If you understand what you stand for, you can stay more balanced and focused on your purpose, even when you feel like your beliefs are being attacked.

03What specific action does the speaker recommend to show appreciation for the other person's point of view?

Sample answerHe suggests you should stop talking for the first 10 minutes and just listen. The goal is to understand the logic and values behind their perspective. Then, you should tell them that you understand where they're coming from and that their view makes sense.

04How does changing the dynamic from 'me versus you' to 'us versus the problem' help resolve a conflict?

Sample answerIt transforms the other person from an opponent into a partner. Instead of two people fighting against each other, it becomes two people working together to solve a shared issue. This makes it possible to find solutions that meet both of their interests.

4

Key vocabulary for discussing disagreements

Vocabulary

The video discusses how to argue more effectively. These expressions will help you talk about conflict and negotiation in a more natural way.

Examples

To find common ground — to discover shared interests, beliefs, or opinions between two or more people who disagree.

This is a key phrase in negotiation and conflict resolution. For example: 'Despite our political differences, we managed to find common ground on the issue of local funding.'

To stand your ground — to refuse to change your opinion or position when faced with opposition or pressure.

This can be seen as a positive quality (being firm in your principles) or a negative one (being stubborn), depending on the context. For example: 'She stood her ground during the debate, even when everyone disagreed with her.'

A bone of contention — a subject or issue that causes a lot of disagreement between people.

This is a common idiom. The main 'bone of contention' is the central point of the argument. For example: 'The new work-from-home policy has become a real bone of contention in the office.'

To reach a stalemate — to arrive at a point in a disagreement where no progress can be made because neither side is willing to change their position.

This is often used in formal negotiations but can also describe personal arguments. It's synonymous with 'to reach an impasse'. For example: 'The talks reached a stalemate after three days, with no agreement in sight.'

To get defensive — to react in an angry or protective way because you feel you are being criticized.

This phrase describes a common emotional reaction during arguments, which the video links to our sense of identity. For example: 'He gets very defensive whenever I ask him about his work.'

5

Decide if each statement is true or false. Correct the false ones.

01According to the video, difficult conversations can become highly emotional when a person's core beliefs and sense of self are challenged.

02The speaker introduces himself as someone who has always been very comfortable and effective in conflict situations.

03A key strategy for improving affiliation is to shift the dynamic from 'me versus you' to 'us facing a shared problem'.

04The speaker suggests that improving how we handle disagreements could have a positive impact beyond our personal relationships, potentially transforming politics and society.

05To show appreciation, the speaker advises that you should immediately explain why your own viewpoint makes more logical sense.

6

Complete the sentences with words from the box. One word is extra.

Word bank

01The allocation of the annual budget has always been a major in our department meetings.

02He immediately got when I asked about the project's deadline, even though I was just trying to help.

03After hours of negotiation, the talks ended in a as neither side was willing to make a concession.

04Despite the pressure from her colleagues, she decided to on the proposed changes to the project.

05It's hard to have a productive discussion if you can't find any with the other person.

7

Choose the best answer based on what you heard in the video.

01According to the speaker, what is the fundamental problem with most difficult arguments?

02The speaker warns that approaching a conflict as 'me versus you' will likely result in...

03When suggesting you listen to the other person, what is the primary goal the speaker wants you to achieve?

04Which of the following strategies for resolving conflict is NOT recommended by the speaker in the video?

8

Phrases for discussing conflict

Complete the sentences below to see common phrases about arguments and disagreements in context.

Match each item on the left with the correct item on the right.

Drag or click to match

Definitions

9

Discuss these questions with a partner. Try to use vocabulary from the lesson.

Do you agree with the video's claim that how we argue is more important than what we argue about? Are there certain 'bones of contention' where it's more important to 'stand your ground' regardless of the method?
The video describes a 'tribal trap' in political discussions. How prevalent is this in your country's public discourse? What issues often cause people to get defensive and refuse to find common ground?
The speaker connects strong emotions in arguments to our identity being threatened. When is it essential to 'stand your ground' to protect your values, versus when is it more productive to 'find common ground' to avoid a 'stalemate'?